I am;
I am pushy, always wanting things to go my way. I know they won’t. I’m not stupid, nor am I naive. Then again, in many ways I am both naive, and stupid. I will push you until I get the results I want, and when things don’t go my way I am disappointed. I’m trying to change this, but I know it’s who I am.
I am scared. I am scared of my future, my present, but most of all my past. The things I cannot change scare me the most. I don’t like things I can’t control…I always want to know a situation’s ending, and when I do not know it I get worried. I get scared. Sometimes I even run away from the things that scare me the most, but could have the best outcomes. Relationships, opportunities, jobs, school.
I am secretive. I keep things to myself because I feel like that’s the best for everyone. If no one knows I am depressed, then no one will feel sorry for me. If no one knows that so and so said this or that about me then no one will rush to my defense, nor will they tell me it’s true. If no one knows that my home life isn’t everything to be desired then I don’t have to talk about it. I don’t like having to explain why I’m in a bad mood, so I’ll make something up. Keeping secrets is easier than telling the truth sometimes.
I am mean, and I can be hateful. I never asked to be this way. I didn’t even notice it was happening. Thank you Dad, for teaching me that some qualities you inherit from your parents don’t have to be genetic. I don’t mean to be a bitch…and sometimes the things I say that hurt others aren’t even completely true. Sometimes I make things into so much more because it makes me feel better about myself in the end. But I am changing this. Every day with Zoloft makes me feel like a different person. One that people can eventually like.
I am emotional. Generally, though, I try and keep the tears, and the hurt inside. I don’t like appearing weak to others. I don’t enjoy others knowing that I just am not happy, and I have no explanation for it. The only time I can effectively cry is when I’m on my own, really tired, and have something to think of that will set me off. Sometimes that’s the only way to sleep, too. Crying yourself to sleep isn’t so bad when you know you deserve it.
I am loud, and can be overly obnoxious. Although many people aren’t fond of this quality, I find it’s the only one I can really, truly be at peace with. When I’m being loud I feel happy. I feel free. I feel like me…and I briefly know who I am.
I am fighting a battle with myself. Inside of me there’s a war. I don’t know who is on what side, or what even caused the battle. Hormonal imbalances caused it, I suppose. Everyday, though, a little blue pill is easing the grief within. Everyday for the last two weekends I have been waking up feeling slightly different. Small changes in my perspective. Everyday I am trying to find out who I am and what caused the terrible war within myself. Why do I hate myself so? I hope that I’ll know, one day.
I will never be what you expected. I am not the girl on the inside that I appear to be on the outside. Tomorrow morning I will wake up just a little bit less angry at the world. Tomorrow I will wake up to my 6:30 alarm, shower, dry my hair, pull on those designer jeans, that expensive t-shirt, and I will pile on the makeup. I will smile at my friends, and kiss my boyfriend. I will be tired, and I will say I hate school. I’ll do everything that is expected of me. When I get home from school, and from my boyfriend’s house I will come home to my cousin, Ashley, and I will go to bed happier than I’ve been in a while. I will go out into the world looking exactly how the world expects me to look, and acting exactly how the world expects me to act. And inside I’ll remember who I am, and who I want to be.
Who am I? Who do I want to be?
